My dear platonic guys

I'm writing this in response to an awesome girl's lingering question on whether platonism does exist. She used to believe that a man can befriend a woman and keep the relationship free from amorous thoughts. She felt betrayed (it's a bit exaggerating, I know) when her best male buddy expressed his more-than-friends-interest for her. She literally begged me to convince her on the very being of platonic relationship.

I have a news for you, Girl. A good one, actually. That there is this beautiful thing called "platonic relationship". So here my story goes.

Case 1: Good ol' Bonny.

I had never been so close to Bonny, a guy with whom I shared the love for music and choral works, until I was in my third year in uni. He broke up with his girlfriend (a cute young lady who was actually a good friend of mine), and somehow we ended up doing things together. I guess it was because both of us in quite a sudden had more time for ourselves. He didn't have a girl to hang out with, and my then boyfriend just got a job which demanded his full concentration AND our time. Having a house at such a strategic location in town, my place usually became the meeting point for my friends. In addition, there was no parental surveillance as my folks lived in Semarang at that time. Bonny had been a regular visitor, along with several other people (including his ex, of course), so it was not that unusual when his visits became more frequent.

Spending more time with him, he grew to be my confidante. Especially when it came to the boring boyfriend-girlfriend thingy, hehehehe... It was my very first relationship, I was extremely insecure and jealous and a bit obsessed with my boyfriend, so I turned to him with questions like:

"Why did he do that to me?"
" Is he mad at me?"
" Is he cheating on me?"
"Will he think I'm lousy?" (Yes, I even told him about my first kiss... whoa!)

And millions other silly questions.

Now, whenever my thought drifts to Bonny, I could only smile and feel warm for his amazing patience. I did cry on his shoulder, dragged him to food courts/bookstores, and he drove me to my lecturer's house in Sidoarjo for my "skripsi" assistance, every time. He accompanied me when I was rushing in campus, from one office to the other, as I was near deadline. He helped me with house chores, sometimes. He was part of my family already, and my mom loved him.

And yet, we were never more than friends. And I know that none of us had even thought about it. We liked going out together but the most intimate touch we could bear was the big hug. I was head over heels in love with my boyfriend, and he was attracted to another girl, Irene.

We grew distanced when I finished my study and moved to Jakarta. He started to date Irene. Later he told me that Irene was jealous at me. I was stunned in disbelief. I understood, though. I was busy with my work and new life in Jakarta, and we rarely contacted each other before we lost it at all. I found out from another friend that he eventually married Irene.

Case 2: Bona

Bona was my classmate at the uni, but we had not been close until we both joined the foreign service. Never would I imagine that I would meet someone from my college time, several years after I graduated, when I was looking for my seat at the building where the department held its recruitment tests. We were fortunate enough to pass all the tests and we ended up working for the same institution.

At that moment, time was not on my side, romance-wise. I had parted with my (now ex) boyfriend and got in an unhealthy, destructive relationship with another guy afterward. Bona, on the other hand, was getting steady with his girlfriend (who also happened to be our mutual friend).

Anyways, we hung out together practically everywhere, especially since his girlfriend was living in Surabaya. We talked about our master's program materials, did our papers together, went clubbing and shopping, or sometimes we'd just take a break in each of our houses.

Like Bonny, Bona was my "garbage bin" and a family member. I cried out to him when I ditched my boyfriend (but somehow felt like I was dumped) and he would laugh at me, saying that the jerk wasn't worth it at all. With his wicked smile, he'd also whispered to me not to be a donkey that fell for the second time, when I told him that my ex called. He kept telling me to judge a potential guy by whether he loves football match, because "only real gentlemen like footballs." Of course, this latter advise has never been my consideration.

Oh yeah, and once he bought me a special edition of Hustler when he came back from an official tour to New York. A gift which caused me a nausea for frantically trying to hide it from my mom's perfect sight and annoying hobby of cleaning up my desk.

He also called me at 2 or 3 am (I had a private line in my room in Jakarta) only to ask: "Why are you sleeping?". I'd just snap at him, "Bon, get lost!" and went back to my sleep.

After he got married and his wife moved to Jakarta, naturally we started to go different ways. We still called each other, or talked over coffee in some cafes sometimes. But now after we're in different places (he is posted in New York), we are barely in communication.

Case 3: Kucink

His girlfriend blogs too, and I know that he might kill me if I put his name in this blog... but I don't give a damn, hehehe..

I knew him from Friendster. I sent him a message first, because his name managed to draw my attention. I love cats.

He quickly responded, and we found ourselves chatting through Friendster. It didn't take long before we exchanged Yahoo IDs and insulted each other using the medium, hehehe... We met up several times and it was apparent from the very first that we clicked. I still can't figure out, however, why our conversations mostly contend harsh things, naming names -- while we did try to be more civilized by bringing up topics like politics and social issues. Tsah! I am always comfortable talking to him about anything, including -- you guessed -- curhat!

There were times when it was his turn to pour out his heart, like when he had problems with his girlfriend and he needed a girl's perspective. My wise advise usually started with an insult before I proceeded to possible solutions. He gave me this cute farewell gift, a few mini stuffed kittens in a basket.

He is my current platonic guy, of course. We kick each other in Yahoo messengers, I still go to him for things I don't understand about men in general and find comfort in his companionship (though offline!) and silly jokes. At the same time, just like with the other great guys, I enjoy a pure friendship.


I was going to write them in aliases, not their real names, to protect their private lives hehehe... But people, especially those who know me in real life, may think that I made up the story. So I decided to put their real first names. I just hope, Girl, that this will open your eyes and bring you back to that old confidence of yours in platonism. Not platoonism :) *kriuk!*.


Rjan said...

Platonic relationship doesn't exist! Everytime a man spent most of his time to his opposite gender, he is attracted to her, full stop. Some obstructions might prevent him to go any further, but truth prevails inside.
Women are such cruel creatures.
he he he... *addoh, gue ditimpuk sama mba Ellen*...

Okol said...

Dear Lenje, secara gua yang antropolog, gua bilang bahwa soal keyakinan bahwa hubungan platonic itu ada atau tidak ada itu cuma soal perbedaan pengalaman aja, jeng. Dan kalo bicara soal pengalaman hidup itu ya sepanjang hayat dikandung badan. Pengalaman bisa sama bisa juga beda dengan org lain. Entah kapan kita akan mengalami hal yang sama dengan orang lain dalam hidup kita. Secara mereka yang kebetulan mengalami-eventually- perasaan lain sama sahabat lawan jenis, ya bisa jadi akan mendukung bahwa hubungan platonis tu nggak exist. Dan sebaliknya buat mereka yang nggak ngalamin--karena belum..?-- sampe sebelum dia ngalamin itu, seperti Jeng Ellen sendiri..hehe.., tentu akan bilang hubungan platonik itu ada.
So, buat adek kecil kita itu, ini hanya sekedar referensi, dari yang udah pada uzur...and you still have a long-long way to go, dear...jangan terlalu cepat berhenti pada sebuah keyakinan..teruslah berjalan, kau akan mendapatkan jawabannya nanti, cepat atau lambat....
(wuallahh..maaph Jeng, panjang amat yak komentnya, kayak mosting di blog orang, maaph ya ndak sopan.., mohon jangan ditimpuk.., piss ah!)

Dinda said...

makasih... atas perhatiannya.

Belutz said...

seru juga ceeritanya :D

'ka said...

platonic relationship DOES exist... been there, done that....

komentator nyasar said...

toeeet...toeeet...toeeeet... [bunyi terompet (sisa) taun baru]
Buuuu, met Taun Baru, yak!

Taun Baruan koq pilek....huuuuuuuhuhu :)

Saya ga ngerti postingan ini ttg apa ;) tapi berhubung saya penggemar gelap YgPunyaBlog ini, yaaaahh, saya mah setujuh-setujuh ajah...akur-akur ajah deeehhh...:D Lagian, sbg anggota Caranita Fan Club, dapat kemoceng gratis,boooo...lumayan bisa dipake buat ngeglitikin...mmm...mmm...seorang antropolog yg ngasih komen panjang2...kekekekekek
(haiii,mbak yg pemalu...saya juga (dulunya) pemalu...cuma sekarang koq jadinya malu2in, yak...huuuuhuuuu)


Alangkah indahnya sebuah persahabatan, kalo kedua pihak bisa berdiri TEPAT di atas garis itu dengan berani dan nyaman, dan itu hanya bisa ada kalo keduanya sudah dewasa (!) dan tulus (!). Tambahan, sangat dangkal kalo hubungan pertemanan dgn lawan jenis melulu diukur dengan takaran...selangkangan.

Tapi koq ada yg kurang dari postingan ini ya. Koq hubungan saya dgn yg-punya-blog ini ga dimasukin ke yg platonis,ya?
Jangan2 emang udah masuk ke hubungan yg romantis...eheemmmm [senyum menggoda...kekekekekek]
Kabur,ah, kayaknya ngerasa ada yg udah ancang2 ngambil batu....hihihihihi

[dari kejauhan...sayup-sayup] kenaaa.....
Ahoooooyyyyyyy! Buuuuuu,komen2 begituan masih bisa ditolerir kan?
Kalo masih bisa, cihuy deh anaknya
Kalo udah ga bisa, ga cihuy deh anaknya
(mas, mas, kreatip dikit,napa??) :D

MET TAUN BARU, semuanyaaaahhhh!!!


Apey said...

Duh jeng....kayaknya dulu pernah curhat ke kamu about such thing right? So yup..platonic relation does exit ( and even been hurt coz of that as well). Btw, secara kita juga temen kul, kalo Bona aku tau, tapi bonny? yg mana yach jeng? *pendek ingatan mode on*

sontoloyo said...

hmmmm...antara percaya dan tidak...
Gue pernah menganggap beberapa perempuan sebagai sahabat...kenyatannya..malah dia kesemsem sama gue.
Gue pernah ingin punya sahabat perempuan..yang ada gue tidak bisa memungkiri bahwa gue suka sama dia...yang ada gue menjauh hahahahhah..daripada BTPSBLTGN (bertepuksebelahtangan).
Tapi ata given moment (sebelum gue tau dia suka sama gue) gue merasakan bahwa gue punya sahabat perempuan....
enng...ngomong2 kita tuh masuknya apa yah len ?? TEMAN BEBUYUTAN ??
hahahahahahaha...peace and HAPPY NEW YEAR.

guario said...

I support Rjan:D! But not wholly;). Guys and gals don't mean to have so close a friendship, at least not when they are physically close in distance and actively spend time together, and when they don't have another person to love. And boys don't do 'curhat' to girls they don't have at least a bit interest in;).

Look at yourself, Len, I believe, your platonic friendship with Bonny and Bona (kok namanya mirip gini sih:P?) STARTS when they got married. Because now, you and they can be true friends wihout ever wondering the what ifs, because they are already married,and hopefully happily and long lastingly;).

But time has a trick on its sleeve. They say that married couple grows old to be the best of friends and I wonder, what would happen when two old so called platonic friends, unattached, meet and feel the closeness they used to feel when they were much younger. Will the spark flickering their wrinkled face and rekindling the passion once denied?

I hope I can still read your blog by then;).

Nahria Medina Marzuki said...

Love does complicated things, play tricks everytime. *sigh, we ignore love?

Noooooo......we still need love, in spite of every hurtful things love does for us.

Rjan said...

Love is improtant, but many more important thing life than love.. which is to live life itself. Will you let failed love destroy your living? no, not me.. I hope :).

Long live living, if living can be this (the Cat Empire:2005)

Yang Punya! said...

rijan: ya ya.. whatever, seperti kata okol, perspektif seseorang kan tergantung pengalaman. jadi selama ini ditolak mulu dengan alasan "kita temenan aja" ya? hihihi...
and about there must be more to life than love (quoting Dear Freddy Mercury), can't agree more! :)

okol: setuju jeng. btw, kalo gitu teman tapi mesra (atw friends with benefit;)) masuk kategori apa yah? platonis apa bukan?

dinda: my pleasures, honey! :)

belutz: seru dik? film action kaleeee... :)

'ka:: definitely we're in the same wavelength!:)

komentator nyasar: aduhaduhaduh... berisik, tau! dirimu kan kalo komentar MANA PERNAH pendek? hubungan kita sih gak masuk platonis, lah wong kamu masih penggemar gelap, heheh...

apey: honey, iya sih. hm, sebenarnya aku agak bingung kalo elemen "eros" sudah masuk ke hubungan itu, masih bisa gak dikategorikan sebagai hubungan platonis. tapi berdasarkan pengalaman orang lain (krn kalo pengalaman sendiri sih enggak, hehehe...) yg tak lain tak bukan adikku sendiri, bisa! temen deketnya dia yg cowok pernah ngomong cinta gitu *tsah!*, she said 'no', dan si cowok berjiwa cukup besar utk tetap berteman. And they remain the best of friends until now! (sampe si cowok merid). Soal Bonny? Dia anak FE Manajemen 92. PSM, biasa, hehe...

sondi: tepat sekali, kita emang teman bebuyutan, hehehe... tapi lo setuju kan bahwa hubungan platonis ada? walopun berumur pendek, kekekek...

rio: it's exactly my personal experience with bonny and bona which affirms my opinion of the existence of platonic relationships. Like I mentioned in this lengthy posting, there were no sparkles between us, only - how should I phrase it? - togetherness. Intimacy, perhaps, but not in any romantic term. Just best friends. Well, of course I wouldn't know for sure whether they developed other feelings for me at that time, but my girly instinct told me there were not :D. Anyway, I'm not sure if in 20 years I still blog, and moreover, if you still read blogs (including mine), hehehe...

yaya: I know girl. Actually, I'm kinda tired.. *sigh*