Pria tinggi besar itu merupakan pengunjung tetap gereja saya. Tidak selalu hadir pada jam kebaktian yang sama dengan saya, tapi kedatangannya jarang terlewatkan pandang. Alasan pertama adalah sosoknya yang menonjol di tengah-tengah kerumunan jemaat yang rata-rata paling-paling 170 cm. (Saya rasa dia mencapai 180 cm-an).
Alasan kedua adalah keromantisannya.
Kira-kira tiga tahun lalu, saya dan adik saya kerap melihatnya datang dengan seorang wanita cantik, tinggi, ramping. Pasangan serasi. (Membuat kami waktu itu mengomentari: "Memang ada orang yang betul-betul beruntung memperoleh padanan yang sesuai!"). Kebaktian di gereja kami selalu diawali dengan menyalami sesama anggota jemaat yang duduk di sekitar kami. Nah, pada waktu-waktu itu, mas Tinggi Besar -- atau untuk singkatnya kita sebut saja mas TB karena saya tidak tahu namanya -- dan pacarnya akan saling mencium tangan.
Saya tidak tahu apakah anggota jemaat yang lain cukup awas -- atau cukup ingin tahu -- untuk memperhatikan mereka. Keduanya juga tampak selalu duduk merapat. (Imajinasi saya berkata bahwa sepanjang kebaktian mereka akan saling menautkan jari). Sesekali mas TB menoleh ke pacarnya dengan ekspresi yang meluluhkan hati. Ya jelas, hati pacarnya dong. Cuma sayangnya saya tidak ingat apakah wanita cantik itu juga suka melemparkan pandangan mesra ke mas TB!
OK, kembali ke cerita kemesraan sepanjang kebaktian itu.
Setelah beberapa lama, adik saya dan saya mulai melihat mas TB datang sendirian ke gereja. Atau bersama orang tuanya. Atau teman/saudara/adiknya. Pendek kata, wanita cantik-tinggi-ramping itu sudah tidak kelihatan lagi.
Saya, dan adik saya, mulai membuat spekulasi-spekulasi. Biasa, kurang kerjaan. Terkaan pertama sudah pasti: mereka putus.
Namun, karena ingin memantapkan pola berpikir positif, terkaan kami berikutnya adalah: wanita itu sudah pindah kota. Mungkin ke luar negeri, sekolah lagi. Atau ditempatkan kantornya di sana. Atau apalah.
Mungkin karena kemampuan berkhayal kami semakin menurun seiring pertambahan usia, dan karena toh kami tidak kenal mas TB, tebakan-tebakan kami berakhir di sana. Kami lebih tertarik memperbincangkan siapa artis yang duduk di depan kami, atau kenapa rambut pak pendeta semakin panjang, atau betapa sumbangnya paduan suara ibu-ibu Minggu itu, dan hal-hal tidak penting lainnya.
Sampai hari Minggu ini (Yak! Betul! Minggu ini!) ketika kami melihat mas TB masuk diiringi seorang wanita cantik-mungil. Walaupun sudah menduga bahwa wanita cantik-mungil ini, yang tingginya hanya mencapai lengan mas TB, adalah orang istimewa buat mas TB, perkiraan kami itu baru dikuatkan setelah -- yup, you guessed -- keduanya saling mencium tangan pasangannya....
Wajah mas TB tampak dipenuhi seri yang tidak biasa. Berkali-kali ia melirik wanita di sampingnya, seolah-olah merasa tidak cukup mensyukuri kesempatan yang diberikan Tuhan sekali lagi untuk memiliki tempat berbagi.
Selamat bahagia deh untuk mas TB. Moga-moga sekali ini kisah itu bisa berlanjut ke tahap berikutnya, karena tampaknya buat mas TB memiliki pasangan merupakan hal yang cukup penting. (Saya menulis demikian, karena buat banyak orang itu bukan soal penting!)
Kisah Cinta Baru
Dari Dalam Taksi: Jakarta
Saya memandang jalan raya di samping kiri saya lewat jendela sebuah taksi. Di luar panas, berdebu, panas, panas, panas. Saya berusaha menahan kantuk, karena sekali saya membiarkan mata saya terkatup, saya akan tertidur sepanjang perjalanan menuju kantor. Akhir-akhir ini matahari Jakarta sebelum tengah hari sudah terasa terik menyengat kulit. Bahkan kulit yang berada di balik kaca berpelapis, dan terlindungi SPF 15 ditutup secarik kain. Membaca buku atau main game di ponsel cuma membuat pusing kepala. Hujan yang diharapkan menyusul kemudian ternyata hanya sekali-sekali muncul.
Dengan kondisi yang semakin tidak nyaman, sebenarnya saya juga semakin tidak suka naik taksi. Mengendarai mobil sendiri, walaupun capek, lebih bisa diterima. Keharusan berkonsentrasi - atau membagi konsentrasi antara menyetir, menyanyi, mendengarkan radio, dan menerima telepon - membuat perhatian saya teralih dari kesemrawutan yang menyesakkan. Naik bis? Pemalas seperti saya yang harus beberapa kali berganti angkutan umum untuk mencapai kantor sudah tentu memilih naik taksi. KRL? Bisa sih. Tapi itu berarti saya harus bersalin pakaian di kantor, memakai kembali wewangian, menyisir rambut... ribet! Hidup sudah cukup susah tanpa harus ditambah keruwetan yang tidak perlu seperti itu.
Jadi saya kembali pada taksi. Walau dengan seperempat hati. (Kurang dari setengah!)
Untuk berjaga, saya berusaha memperhatikan bangunan-bangunan yang kami lewati, yang sering tidak saya perhatikan kalau sedang menyetir sendiri. Wah, saya baru tau kalau di dekat pojokan itu ada kafe kecil yang lucu. Di sebelah sana ada penjahit yang tampaknya cukup rapi jahitannya. Ada juga toko di ujung Mampang yang menjual perabot-perabot dekorasi rumah. Hm... ruko baru lagi. Bakal ada yang menyewa ruangannyakah? Atau nasibnya akan berakhir seperti banyak bangunan serupa, yang terlantar karena pembangunnya tidak sanggup merawatnya lagi, sedangkan penyewa tak kunjung datang?
Jakarta bertambah sumpek. Tapi, herannya, terus dikerubungi. Seperti seorang setengah baya yang semakin lusuh, semakin berusaha berdandan, dan karena kaya bisa menarik pengagum, baik karena yang tulus menyukai maupun karena yang berharap memperoleh sesuatu. Kalau laki-laki: Jakarta adalah om-om yang semakin keriput, berkeringat, muka berminyak, tapi suka mengenakan baju ketat tanpa melihat perutnya yang membuncit, membuka dua kancing baju teratas memperlihatkan dada dan leher yang dihiasi kalung emas manyala. Jari-jari om Jakarta dihiasi cincin bermata besar-besar, dan yang paling dibanggakannya adalah akik selebar alas cangkir. Kalau perempuan: Jakarta adalah tante-tante dengan rambut menipis yang dicat merah dan disasak tinggi-tinggi, leher dan muka berkerut yang dicoba ditutupi dengan bedak tebal-tebal, sering terlalu putih sehingga kontras dengan warna asli kulit yang tampak di lengannya, perhiasan berlian menghiasi kuping-leher-pergelangan tangan dan kaki-jari, tas desainer yang tidak perlu cocok dengan baju atau acara yang dihadiri namun harus kelihatan mahal.
Pendek kata: norak. Jakarta kampungan? Iya. Kota kebanggaan saya, Surabaya, pernah dijuluki: "The big city with kampung mentality". Dulu saya sebel mendengarnya. Sekarang? Enggak ada apa-apanya dibanding Jakarta, karena orang Surabaya tidak pernah menganggap kotanya kosmopolit walaupun tetap punya kebanggaan diri yang berlebihan. (Iyalah! Arek Suroboyo, cuk!)
Jakarta jadi kelihatan kampungan karena segala hal kemewahan itu ditempel sana-sini tanpa melihat estetika, dan diselang-seling kekumuhan.
Tapi saya toh bertahan di Jakarta. (Untungnya saya punya pilihan!)
Kabinet dan Instansi Tiga Huruf
Gara-gara presiden baru kita dipopulerkan dengan nama SBY, penghubung kantor saya dengan beliau juga dipanggil dengan singkatan DPD (hanya berlaku di kantor saya. Di luar beliau biasa dipanggil dengan namanya, dan langsung diasosiasikan dengan seorang muda yang enak dilihat dan terkenal pintar, serta pernah punya hubungan dengan seorang pelantun lagu dangdut wanita).
Saya dan teman-teman berpikir, alangkah baiknya kalau penyingkatan itu bisa diaplikasikan ke semua lini. Jadi Boss Besar kantor saya akan dijuluki NHW (ngomong-ngomong, huruf "N" itu pun hampir tidak pernah dipanjangkan oleh yang punya nama). Boss Kecil, alias direktur saya, "beruntung" punya nama lengkap yang bisa langsung disingkat DTD. Demikian juga kepala subdit saya, seorang wanita menarik-tinggi-langsing-pintar (lulusan Columbia, dengan beasiswa), berinisial SNM.
Karena nama yang tertera di akte saya hanya dua (sudah termasuk marga!), saya akan memilih "ELT".
Para Korban Rampok/Copet/Maling/Kejahatan Lain2 Seluruh Indonesia, Bersatulah!
Kompas hari ini (Sabtu, 9 Oktober 2004) memberitakan seorang ibu yang "nekat" mengejar kawanan perampok, yang telah merampas tas kerjanya. Kendati para perampok tersebut sudah menusuk ban mobilnya (modus operandi para penjahat bersepeda motor), sang ibu menyusul gerombolan tersebut, dan menabrak kendaraan salah satu perampok sampai pengendaranya jatuh, dan temannya berusaha melarikan diri. Kedua orang itu berhasil diringkus masyarakat sekitar setelah Ibu Binahati berteriak-teriak, "Rampok! Rampok!".
Kejadian ini mengingatkan saya pada peristiwa lain (yang dimuat di Kompas juga) ketika beberapa gadis remaja melawan seorang penodong di dalam angkot yang sedang mereka tumpangi. Penodong itu memaksa hendak merampas perhiasan (atau handphone? Gak inget!). Mungkin tersentuh dengan usaha gadis-gadis tersebut, para penumpang lain ikut memberikan perlawanan, dan penodong itu akhirnya dapat diserahkan ke polisi.
Juga seorang teman saya yang mengejar pencopet yang menilap dompetnya, memaksanya mengaku dan akhirnya menyerahkan dompet itu kembali padanya.
Setelah selama bertahun-tahun kawanan serigala kota menteror masyarakat dengan aksi perampokan, penodongan, perampasan, dan sebagainya, rakyat yang telah mencapai titik jenuh memberikan reaksi. Terlebih karena aparat yang diharapkan memberikan perlindungan malah lebih asyik mencari-cari celah peraturan guna menambah lembaran-lembaran rupiah masuk ke dalam kantong mereka. Bagi saya, dan saya rasa bagi banyak orang juga, permakluman bahwa penghasilan mereka terlalu kecil untuk menopang kehidupan mereka tidak bisa diterima, dan lebih merupakan legitimasi bagi: 1) menyuburnya premanisme, baik yang "swasta" maupun yang disokong "oknum aparat"; 2) keacuhan para pengambil keputusan untuk mencari solusi permasalahan ini.
(Jangan-jangan membiarkan praktek-praktek ini diam-diam dipandang kelompok terakhir tersebut sebagai "solusi sementara". Pemecahan yang paling mendasar bisa dipikirkan kapan-kapan. :P)
Oleh sebab itu sukar untuk menyalahkan tindak "main hakim sendiri" yang kerap sampai mencabut nyawa ini, sebab naluri paling purba manusia adalah membela diri di samping reproduksi tentunya, hehehehe.... (Jangan-jangan juga, yang paling ramai mempersoalkan tindak main hakim adalah mereka yang dirugikan olehnya! Mungkin karena kehilangan penghasilan tambahan? Atau karena terpaksa memutar otak mencari "solusi sementara" yang lain?)
Sambil menunggu bagaimana pemerintah baru akan menangani berbagai masalah dan penyakit sosial yang sudah akut ini, kita tidak bisa tinggal diam. Harus ada gerakan perlawanan rakyat terhadap premanisme dan teror dari saudara-saudara kita sendiri. Dan harus ada yang jadi motor penggeraknya. Dan omong-omong, para pria harusnya malu, karena wanita yang dalam struktur sosial masyarakat kita masih dianggap kelas dua dan diragukan kemampuan fisiknya ternyata justru yang menjadi pelawan utama teror. Mungkin lebih baik kita punya Panglima TNI dan Kapolri wanita. Presiden bolehlah pria, toh dia tidak akan terjun langsung menangani berbagai tindak kriminal, kecuali kalau ada implikasi politiknya.
Cobaan untuk Bangsaku...dan Kantorku
Entah kenapa, kayaknya kok menjelang detik-detik terakhir kabinet ini cobaan datang bertubi-tubi ya, terutama untuk kantorku. Mulai dari penyanderaan kedua saudara kita di Irak (yang, Puji Tuhan, akhirnya dibebaskan juga -- lumayan buat Ibu Mega, bisa take credit :P), peristiwa yang masih harus diverifikasi dan diinvestigasi lebih lanjut, dan sekarang.. pemboman di Paris. Menurut cerita temen yang tugas di sana, korban yang diidentifikasi sebagai staf kantor kami itu adalah satpam yang emang tinggal di basement bersama anak istrinya. Untung (kalau masih bisa dibilang untung) mereka tidak luka parah.
Kasihan bangsaku.
Kasihan pimpinanku.
Kasihan aku dan teman-temanku.
10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person
Another good picks from my friendster's bulletin
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change afteryou're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after they're married... for the worst!".
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust."Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person'scharacter? Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteerwork? Give to charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/heemotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give herc onsistent, quality attention.
This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds:on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goaland priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. Chemistry and compatibility.
2. Share common interests.
3. Share common life goal. Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for,"while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate two people who ultimately share the priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is notinclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry aboutsexual compatibility. Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?"
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxedwith this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really closefriend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! "... Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her? ..."
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between"controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise.
You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.
Strong Women
Bataks women are well-known for their strength and determination. Back in huta (Bataks for "village" or "home"), Bataks women are used to carrying loads of woodchops, or working in the rice fields while their husbands and male companions spent mornings in lapos. Amid the severity of Jakarta, inangs manage to survive, and in many cases they are the breadwinner. And in my own family, I've witnessed the similar degree of courage, though in varying ways. (I have to admit that the males are quite weak, sadly).
When my father was little, my grandma tried to make ends meet (since my grandpa was only an elementary teacher) by merchandizing. She woke up at dawn, went to the market to sell anything she could sell, or some things she'd made (like rattan mats), came home to prepare lunch for the whole family (herself, my grandpa, and their nine boys), did some household things, prepared dinner and took the children to bed ("forced the children" is more like it, actually). After everyone was asleep, she'd still do some things. Her daily routine usually finished after midnight.
No wonder, she was usually healthy and strong. She died of cancer 13 years ago, at the age of 91. But until she was, like, 80 something, she didn't have any domestic helper. Taking care of my grandpa (who was lucky to die in his sleep, at the age of 94), keeping an old, big house, clean by herself, it was only a few years prior to her death that she agreed to get "assistance".
We, the grandchildren, have always remembered her as tenacious, strict, thrifty if not stingy, yet actually very loving. She never demonstratively showed her affection, but somehow we could feel it. Knowing that I love to read, when I was a little girl she usually gave me books on birthdays and Christmas days. When I stayed in her house during school holidays (I spent my childhoond outside Jakarta), she'd take me to bookstores and allowed me to pick any book. Or she'd simply give me some money (that was the best part, hehehehe...).
Several female members of my extended female have had trouble with their marriages. Instead of rushing to the court filing for divorce like many are doing recently, they pulled any efforts to handle things. I am a strong supporter of women's rights and a bit of a feminist myself. But when it comes to marriages, I stick to the principle of "till death do us part". Divorce is a no-no for me, though for some particular cases (domestic violence, for example) I can accept separation, with a view to getting back together again one day (God will help!). When we have our wedding at church, we vow our commitment to GOD. Marriage is therefore not only between the husband and wife, but it involves God as well. We promise "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness". It is so saddening that many forget this part. The unfaithfulness of the other party is by no means a justification for being unfaithful. I should therefore like to reiterate my highest admiration to these female relatives of mine.
My younger sister has also been very tough and bullheaded. When we were children we fought a lot. Both of us got similar "portion" of pinches, but she never, ever cried. Instead she would just flash a hostile look to my mom (er... I sobbed *blushes*). As a grown up, she once crashed with her big boss. She would not stand back, convinced that she was right (and she was). This boss tried to sack her, but she managed to stay. Fortunately, in the end she and the boss got along well. Her current job requires her to travel a lot, many times she has to drive 200 km back and forth, and deal with annoying people in a men's world. And she did it.
She makes a lot of mistakes. Though she's intelligent, fast, and committed to whatever she's doing, she has difficulty in controlling her sharp tongue. This alone had caused her into troubles, not only in her work, but also in her marriage. And this time, it is BIG trouble. It is something that would not only affect her and her husband, but also the whole family, and - even worse - our two clans. This may sound exaggerated, but one should be a Bataks or possess a proper amount of knowledge about Batak tradition to comprehend the situation.
She knew it. And she is willing to fix it, though it would hurt her and her pride. It is a bit too late to do something, the damage is already done.
I looked at her yesterday, sleeping on the couch, her face thin and tired. I had just bombarded her with harsh words for what she had done. It was hard for me not to cry.
Dosa Itu Manis, Jenderal!!!!
Karena dosa itu manis, hangat, memabukkan, menghibur, menenggelamkan
Kita mengira bahwa kita muksa dengan cara yang menyenangkan
Tapi sebenarnya kenapa kesucian harus identik dengan ketidaknikmatan karena penahanan diri?