10 Ways to Marry the Wrong Person

Another good picks from my friendster's bulletin

10 WAYS TO MARRY THE WRONG PERSON

by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.


#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change afteryou're married.

The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after they're married... for the worst!".

So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.

Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust."Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person'scharacter? Here are four character traits to definitely check for:

Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?

Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteerwork? Give to charity?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?

Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/heemotionally stable?

Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a woman needs most.

Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them. The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give herc onsistent, quality attention.

This is most apparent in Judaism's approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes to this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, "Men have two speeds:on and off." Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.

#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goaland priorities.

There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. Chemistry and compatibility.
2. Share common interests.
3. Share common life goal. Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for,"while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you. This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate two people who ultimately share the priorities, values and goals.

#5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too quickly.

Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is notinclined to make good decisions. It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry aboutsexual compatibility. Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.

To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.

Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?"

#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.

Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxedwith this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really closefriend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way! "... Do I want to be more like this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her? ..."

Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship. Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between"controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.

Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise.

You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.

To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.

Strong Women

Bataks women are well-known for their strength and determination. Back in huta (Bataks for "village" or "home"), Bataks women are used to carrying loads of woodchops, or working in the rice fields while their husbands and male companions spent mornings in lapos. Amid the severity of Jakarta, inangs manage to survive, and in many cases they are the breadwinner. And in my own family, I've witnessed the similar degree of courage, though in varying ways. (I have to admit that the males are quite weak, sadly).

When my father was little, my grandma tried to make ends meet (since my grandpa was only an elementary teacher) by merchandizing. She woke up at dawn, went to the market to sell anything she could sell, or some things she'd made (like rattan mats), came home to prepare lunch for the whole family (herself, my grandpa, and their nine boys), did some household things, prepared dinner and took the children to bed ("forced the children" is more like it, actually). After everyone was asleep, she'd still do some things. Her daily routine usually finished after midnight.

No wonder, she was usually healthy and strong. She died of cancer 13 years ago, at the age of 91. But until she was, like, 80 something, she didn't have any domestic helper. Taking care of my grandpa (who was lucky to die in his sleep, at the age of 94), keeping an old, big house, clean by herself, it was only a few years prior to her death that she agreed to get "assistance".

We, the grandchildren, have always remembered her as tenacious, strict, thrifty if not stingy, yet actually very loving. She never demonstratively showed her affection, but somehow we could feel it. Knowing that I love to read, when I was a little girl she usually gave me books on birthdays and Christmas days. When I stayed in her house during school holidays (I spent my childhoond outside Jakarta), she'd take me to bookstores and allowed me to pick any book. Or she'd simply give me some money (that was the best part, hehehehe...).

Several female members of my extended female have had trouble with their marriages. Instead of rushing to the court filing for divorce like many are doing recently, they pulled any efforts to handle things. I am a strong supporter of women's rights and a bit of a feminist myself. But when it comes to marriages, I stick to the principle of "till death do us part". Divorce is a no-no for me, though for some particular cases (domestic violence, for example) I can accept separation, with a view to getting back together again one day (God will help!). When we have our wedding at church, we vow our commitment to GOD. Marriage is therefore not only between the husband and wife, but it involves God as well. We promise "to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part. And hereto I pledge you my faithfulness". It is so saddening that many forget this part. The unfaithfulness of the other party is by no means a justification for being unfaithful. I should therefore like to reiterate my highest admiration to these female relatives of mine.

My younger sister has also been very tough and bullheaded. When we were children we fought a lot. Both of us got similar "portion" of pinches, but she never, ever cried. Instead she would just flash a hostile look to my mom (er... I sobbed *blushes*). As a grown up, she once crashed with her big boss. She would not stand back, convinced that she was right (and she was). This boss tried to sack her, but she managed to stay. Fortunately, in the end she and the boss got along well. Her current job requires her to travel a lot, many times she has to drive 200 km back and forth, and deal with annoying people in a men's world. And she did it.

She makes a lot of mistakes. Though she's intelligent, fast, and committed to whatever she's doing, she has difficulty in controlling her sharp tongue. This alone had caused her into troubles, not only in her work, but also in her marriage. And this time, it is BIG trouble. It is something that would not only affect her and her husband, but also the whole family, and - even worse - our two clans. This may sound exaggerated, but one should be a Bataks or possess a proper amount of knowledge about Batak tradition to comprehend the situation.

She knew it. And she is willing to fix it, though it would hurt her and her pride. It is a bit too late to do something, the damage is already done.

I looked at her yesterday, sleeping on the couch, her face thin and tired. I had just bombarded her with harsh words for what she had done. It was hard for me not to cry.

Dosa Itu Manis, Jenderal!!!!

Karena dosa itu manis, hangat, memabukkan, menghibur, menenggelamkan
Kita mengira bahwa kita muksa dengan cara yang menyenangkan

Tapi sebenarnya kenapa kesucian harus identik dengan ketidaknikmatan karena penahanan diri?